If you express your anger, you will get into a bad mood and repeat barren fights. We will explain the tips for calmly discussing in 5 steps while conveying the “honest feelings” that lie behind anger. We will also tell you about NG words that should be avoided.
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If you get angry and get angry, you will not be able to have a conversation with a dangerous mood
Sometimes people say things like, “The more we fight, the better we get along,” and “Fighting triggers a closer bond.” Is that true? Certainly, if you can truly understand each other through a fight, then the fight will be worth it. However , if it ends in a “fight that is just to get angry and get angry”, it will only increase distrust and dissatisfaction with each other .
For example, if the other party arrives 30 minutes late for an appointment without contacting you, it will be frustrating for those who have to wait. At times like this, you can let anger go and throw out your anger as it is. There may be.
However, when you speak in such a one-sided tone, the other person feels attacked and takes a defensive posture. “What, you’ve been late too, haven’t you?” “Don’t judge me as being sloppy!”
If this conversation continues, it will end in a bad mood with a terrible mood. Unfortunately, fights often end up like this.
5 steps to effectively communicate anger
So, how can you calmly discuss your feelings without turning into a “fight” and getting the other person to understand your feelings? In counseling, I recommend developing a discussion in the following five steps.
|Step.1 Take a deep breath and create a place for discussion|
When you feel angry, be calm. To do this, first take a deep breath. Then, say, “I’d like to talk to you for a minute, is that okay?” Sit diagonally in front of the other person, in a position where the eyes of each other are not directly in front of each other, and create a posture for discussion.
Step.2 Communicate your primary emotion and what you are angry about
Anger is called a “secondary emotion”. Discover the “first emotion” that arose before anger and communicate it. In the tardy example above, several “first feelings” were generated while the other person was waiting for 30 minutes. Worried, “What’s wrong with being so late? What happened?” Confused, “Is the meeting place wrong?” These simple feelings are the primary emotions.
Also tell them that the second emotion of anger has arisen because the first emotion has not been resolved. For example, “I was very worried and confused. That’s why I’m so angry that you didn’t contact me.” Then, I feel a little better because I was able to convey my honest feelings. The other person will also feel sorry for worrying you.
Step.3 Discuss concretely up to the solution
Once you have clearly communicated your feelings in Step 2, discuss what to do next. In the theme of being late, there are two themes: (1) “What should I do to avoid being late?” and (2) “What should I do when I find out I will be late?” prize. Instead of unilaterally conveying your request, “I want you to do this”, tell the other person, “What can you do?” and let them think.
For (1), you might think, “Leave the house so you can be there five minutes before your appointment.” In this way, let’s get the other party to convey what they thought in words as a promise for the next time. Step.4 Don’t be
vague if you wonder “Why?”
“What do you mean? Tell me more?”
For example, if you mutter something like, “Even I’m patient when you’re late…”, say, “When was that? Tell me more about it.” Then, if there is something that I need to fix myself, I will come up with an improvement plan by myself according to Step 3, and tell the other party as a promise for the next time.
Step.5 Don’t forget follow-up words After the
discussion is over, thank them for agreeing to the discussion. “I’m glad we talked. Thank you.”
Avoid when expressing anger! 7 bad words
Also, when expressing anger, do not use the method of “one-sidedly conveying your thoughts.” The other person will listen to you only if they feel that they care about you and that they respect you. For example, let’s check if you are using these words casually.
|1 “You can’t do anything”: Deny the other person completely2 “I’m ○○ anyway”: Belittle yourself3 “You can’t do it anyway”: Impossible from the beginning 4 “That’s what XXthinks”: Assert that it’s due to gender, hometown, affiliation, etc.5 “I wonder if others are doing the same thing”: Make baseless speculations6 “Why ? Can’t you be like ○○?”: Comparing with others7 “I was bothered at that time and this time”: Blaming multiple things at once|
A single word , even a quick one, can be decisive in breaking a relationship . Therefore, when anger rises, take a breather, organize your feelings, and follow the five steps above to discuss.
Let’s practice how to convey “anger” by role-playing
It is recommended to practice the 5 steps of “How to express anger without getting angry” by role-playing.Even if you understand the above five steps in your head, you may feel hesitant to convey them. I think there are many people who are unable to say what they want to say and endure, and are always smoldering in their hearts with indivisible emotions.
Communicating your feelings of anger and discussing ways to improve things may seem like a high hurdle to those who are not used to it. Therefore, it is recommended that you remember the cases that you have had close to each other with your friends, etc., and practice the discussion through role-playing .
You can learn it with your body by saying it many times and doing role play. Please find the time and give it a try.
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