Strong attachment to a specific person, such as “I only want you to look at me” or “I only want this child”, leads to the breakdown of human relationships. We will tell you the points you need to maintain a moderate sense of distance with your family and partners and maintain smooth relationships.
Why do we stick to relationships with people we trust?
When you have a lover, you can only see that person, and you will become attached to the world of only the two of you. As she pushes her strong demands, saying, “Look only at me” and “I want to see you right away,” she is called “heavy” by her partner and says goodbye to her…
If she gets married, she will be absorbed in her relationship with her partner, and if she has children, she will be absorbed in her relationship with her child. As she binds her family in her narrow capsule, she loses her family’s smiles and health.
In this way, if you get stuck in a specific relationship through love, marriage, or child-rearing, that attachment can deprive your loved ones of their freedom and eventually destroy the relationship.
People who tend to get attached to a specific relationship may repeat the same way in other relationships, such as friends and bosses .
For example, when a friend is made, he sticks to the friendship between just the two of them, saying, “Please be my best friend forever.” Once you have a boss you can trust, you will love him like a parent and declare that you will follow him wherever you go. However, if you become too attached to a particular relationship, that relationship becomes closed and suffocating.
What is “self-differentiation”? Are you able to act independently without dragging on your emotions?
In a previous article, I introduced the psychological keyword “ self-differentiation ,” but in this case as well, an understanding of self-differentiation is an important key. If you want to know more about self-differentiation, please also refer to “Knowing through fights! Couples and their emotional maturity “.
Self-differentiation is the state of psychologically graduating from the influence of the family upbringing and being able to act independently . People who are well-differentiated are able to live their lives in their own way because they grow up without dragging on the feelings that were not fulfilled in the parent-child relationship.
People who have not been able to differentiate themselves feel unsatisfied with the relationship with the family they grew up with, such as “I wanted my parents to love me more” and “I wanted them to affirm me.” Even as an adult, the desire to “be loved” and “fulfill my uneasiness” continues to smolder in my heart. For this reason, they sometimes impose their feelings on their partners, children, etc., and bind them.
What is the cause of destroying the relationship by hitting a third party with love desire?
Even if you deny your parents, no matter how far away you are from them, the unfulfilled feelings will remain in your heart.Among those who grew up with the above feelings of dissatisfaction with their families, some of them excessively deny their parents and stop seeing them altogether.
However, even if you try to force yourself to leave, the unfulfilled desire for love remains in your heart and continues to smolder.
When I meet my girlfriend’s partner or give birth to my child while holding such thoughts, I sometimes hit them with those desires.
Awareness of the “family influence” hidden in human relationships is the first step to solving
However, a partner who is bombarded with unfulfilled emotions is deprived of freedom and always feels restrained and painful. Or, if the other person has the same feelings of unsatisfaction, they may be buried in a closed world of just the two of them, hindering each other’s independence.
Also, if you expose your child to unsatisfied emotions, the child will be very considerate of the parent and will prevent the innocent expression of emotions that are unique to children. When this happens, children also experience unfulfilled feelings about family relationships, and they try to satisfy their feelings with third parties (partners and friends), and this vicious cycle can be repeated.
In this way, when attachment and bondage are repeated in a specific human relationship, it is necessary to look back on the history of your life and notice the cause of your unfulfilled feelings. It is also necessary to gain insight into the trajectory of one ‘s mind and deepen one’s self-understanding . .
It is necessary to experience this process of awareness in order to live an independent life that suits you while maintaining a good relationship with your loved ones.