Even though the husband and wife should have shared the housework well, there are times when the marital relationship deteriorates from a small word. If you don’t understand what you want to do and what you want to do, words that hurt each other will be born, and as a result, you may give up on communication. Here are four factors that deepen the rift in the marital relationship through domestic harassment (housework harassment), and points to keep in mind to maintain a harmonious married life.
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What is “housework harassment”? “Four critical factors” hidden in couples’ conversations
It is called “housework harassment” to create words and deeds that hurt your partner through housework . Housework is very important for maintaining a home, but neglecting housework itself or not taking care of a partner who does housework can deepen the rift between husband and wife.
Dr. Gottman, an American clinical psychologist, explained that there are ” four critical factors ” in the process of marital relationship breakdown. There are four factors: ‘blame’, ‘insult’, ‘self-defense’ and ‘escape’ , and it is explained that the relationship between the couple becomes more serious as it progresses. Based on Dr. Gottman’s book ” Seven Principles for Successful Marriage “, I have summarized four factors that worsen marital relationships in order of influence.
Influence level 1: “blame ”
A small complaint, “I wish you would do this,” spreads slander to your partner’s personality and abilities, and it becomes “blame”. Beware of statements such as “You are the guy” and “You are the person”.
Influence 2: “Insult”
This includes ridiculing, sarcasm, sneering, mimicking, and provocative jokes.
Influence level 3: “Self-defense “
It is to make excuses and excuses that “I am not at fault” and blame the other party by saying “It is your fault.”
Influence 4: “Escape”
It is to give up the conversation by repeating the conversation of 1 to 3. The relationship will cool down to the point that you won’t even want to talk about it.
How will the marital relationship change as you continue to have conversations that include these “four critical factors”? Consider the case of a married couple.
Is it triggered by housework harassment? Development of a marital quarrel that begins with “blame”
(Conversation of a couple)
A wife who often complained about her husband’s way of doing housework, saying, “That’s not right!” No matter how many times she said it, her husband wouldn’t change his ways, so “Reproach” (Impact 1) began to say, “What the hell are you!” Then the husband began to criticize her wife, saying things like, “What are you saying!?” These exchanges ignited mutual anger, and her wife released “insults” (impact level 2)
, saying, “You’re not a messenger for a kid!” . Then my husband started cursing me, saying, “You demon bride!” At the end of that, the wife started saying, “I’m always the one who’s having a hard time!”, and the husband said, “I’m tired from work ! ” We began to argue with each other, saying, “I’m not at fault!” As the above exchanges continued, the couple began to feel that “ whatever they say is useless!” and “I don’t want to talk!” degree 4) . Finally, the couple’s relationship cooled down.
What are the feelings of each couple who developed from domestic harassment to a fight?
In order not to aggravate the marital relationship, it is necessary to understand each other’s feelings. From the example of the couple’s conversation introduced above, I tried to imagine the feelings of each couple.
■ My wife’s feelings… Do you feel sad that you don’t understand “I want you to do this”?
I think the wife was initially happy that her husband was doing the housework. But she was frustrated that her husband didn’t remember how she wanted to do it, and she said, “Are you serious?”, “Are you listening to me?” It may be. It seems that this feeling created the “criticism” with an influence level of 1 and made the marital relationship worse.
In this case, the dissatisfaction that arises before the “criticism” is a manifestation of the feeling that “I want you to listen to me carefully.” It is thought that the sadness that her husband did not respond at this point led to the word “blame”.
■ Husband’s feelings… Did you feel the pain of not being rewarded for your housework?
I think my husband wanted to do housework in the first place. However, it seems that her thoughts on housework have been distracted by her wife’s instruction on how to do it, and her attitude that she should be able to do this much. .
Each person has different thoughts about housework, and there are ten different ways to tackle it. You may feel cramped when you are instructed to “do this”, and you may want to do it freely in a way that is easy for you.
Because the wife did not notice such feelings, her husband became dissatisfied that it was “difficult to do” and “not enjoyable”, and it seems that he progressed to the “criticism” stage.
In order not to create housework harassment…Let’s discuss each other’s thoughts at the level of dissatisfaction
I don’t think there are any couples who haven’t felt dissatisfied with their partner through housework. While I respect a partner who does housework perfectly, I would feel suffocated if the same level of performance was required of me. It may be something to do.
Marriage is a very delicate thing. It can’t be helped that they feel a little dissatisfied with each other through housework. That’s why we need to be careful not to move beyond the “blame” stage by sensing the dissatisfaction we feel toward each other.
For that reason, I think it is important to ask each other what you want to do and what you want the other person to do with a neutral feeling without blaming the other person.