The feeling of wanting to help someone in need is a wonderful thing. However, if you help someone too much, they will not develop the ability to think and act on their own, and as a result, it is often not helpful to them. When you are in trouble, I will explain what kind of assistance is really for the other person.
Is it really necessary to listen to people’s troubles all the time?
I want to help people in need… It’s wonderful to think so. However, if you offer help only out of kindness, it often ends up not helping the other person.
For example, some people get anxious over small things and want someone to talk to them right away. When I receive contact from such a person, I feel that I have to do something right away and that I have to keep going with them until I am satisfied. Some people listen. But is it really for the sake of others?
When you are in trouble, if you listen to your story over and over again for hours, it will certainly make your partner feel at ease. But if this continues, bad things will happen to the other party. This is because if you immediately relieve stress when you are in trouble, you will not be able to develop the ability to withstand anxiety and the ability to think and act on your own.
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If you meddle with selfish judgment, it may cause trouble for the other party.
“I did it for your benefit”…If you support the other person without listening to their feelings, you may end up causing trouble.In order to develop the ability to cope with stress, rather than having someone listen to you immediately when you are in trouble, it is necessary to hold it in your mind and then think about your next action. For example, wait until your anxiety or anger subsides. After that, rethink from a different angle and expand the range of thinking. In this way, by thinking and coping with yourself, you will develop your ability to cope with stress.
If you help others carelessly, you may end up causing trouble. For example, when someone confides, “I got angry when someone said something nasty to me!” What will happen? Unnecessary intervention without your permission may worsen your relationships and cause you even more trouble.
When dealing with someone who is having a hard time, it’s important to make sure you know exactly what kind of help they want. Some people think, “ I just want you to listen to me.” It’s up to you what kind of help you want.
If you don’t check the other person’s wishes and act recklessly based on your own judgment, you may end up causing trouble for the other person.
“Boundaries” of time that people who consult and people who help should observe
There is one more important thing when helping people in need. It’s about setting boundaries. There are many types of boundaries, but the most important one is the boundary of “time” .
A boundary is a division between one’s own and another’s territory. Boundaries are called “boundaries” in English. A boundary is not a wall (barrier). It is about being in a position where you can keep an eye on the other person while drawing a line, and when you need to talk to them or help them.
And the “time boundary” is to set a time to spend for the other person. If you listen endlessly, your freedom will be violated, the other person will not develop the ability to withstand stress, and it will be of no benefit to you or others.
In order to draw a “time boundary”, set a time such as “I will listen to you until 0 o’clock, so please talk about anything”, “Reflect on what you discussed today, and let’s talk again tomorrow”. to proceed. Then, the other person will also want to consult efficiently in that time. You will also be more thoughtful when talking about the help you seek.
What kind of help do people really need?
In the first place, what is the necessary help for people in need? Isn’t it to support the person to recover confidence and be able to solve it on their own ?
In order to achieve this, I have to draw a firm “boundary line of time” and stay close to the feelings of the person who consulted me within a limited time. Let’s get in touch with each other while thinking about what kind of assistance we should provide.
Again, the help that people need is to help them regain their self-confidence and become self-sufficient. By all means, why don’t you use your limited time effectively and provide assistance that is truly beneficial to the other person?