If you tend to get into trouble in meetings or conversations with your partner, try to devise ways to communicate. “YOU messages” and “WE messages” such as “You should XX” and “Everyone is doing XX” sound offensive, and the other party will be defensive. Having an “I-message” on your side can help you have a constructive discussion. I will explain in detail.
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An example of a person who has a lot of trouble with people and frustration in interpersonal relationships
There are many people who are not good at talking, whether at work or in their private lives. Some of them are worried that when they try to have a discussion, they often lose contact with each other or get into trouble. And for those who are not good at constructive discussions, there are often two tendencies in the way they communicate.
One is the pattern of blaming the other party when conveying your wishes. Even if you intend to make a request as a positive proposal, if you say, “Why didn’t you do XX?” or “Why don’t you try XX?” I feel like I am.
And the other is the pattern of asking the other person for what is “natural” according to your own standards. It tends to sound like an accusation, saying things like, “Everyone does this,” or “Why can’t you do something as simple as this?”
Aggressive “YOU message” and “WE message” break down the discussion
The above two tendencies apply to “YOU message” and “WE message”, which are conversation patterns that lead to complicated discussions. A “YOU message” is a message with “you” as the subject, and a “WE message” is a message with “we” as the subject.
1. YOU messages (messages with “you” as the subject)
Requests to the other party with “you = YOU” as the subject, such as “You should do XX” and “Why don’t you XX” It’s going to be a way to say it. 2. WE
messages (messages with “we” as the subject)
” is the subject and tends to be a way of blaming the other person.
If you express your needs and thoughts in these two ways, the other person will perceive it as an “offensive message.” When an attack is sensed, a person’s animal instinct causes the psychology and behavior of “flee or fight”. This is called the “fight or flight response”.
In other words, before you examine what the other person is demanding of you, you will feel angry, saying, “I can’t say that!” Or they try to find an excuse to run away, saying, “Even Mr. XX is doing it” or “It’s not my fault.”
When this happens, no matter how much you try to convey your thoughts to the other person, it will not be conveyed well. In some cases, you may even hate it.
“I messages” that make discussions constructive
Isn’t it because you want people to understand your feelings and want them to change their behavior? If so, you have to choose a message that conveys your thoughts properly.
That’s why the “I message” is so important. An “I message” is a way of communicating that uses “I” as the subject. When you express your thoughts through I-messages, it becomes easier for the other person to listen to you and reflect on your actions.
For example, when you ask for something, you can say, “I am happy if you do XX, I will be saved,” or “I will be very sad if you do XX,” and use “I” as the subject and be honest. I will tell you how I feel. If you are not used to using it, it may be embarrassing.
However, since embarrassed words are full of heart, the other person is attracted to you. Then, you will be able to accept it honestly, saying, “Is that so?” and think about things while imagining the other person’s position.
And if the other person understands your feelings, say “Thank you” and “I’m happy” and tell them how you feel. Express your gratitude and joy to the person who acted on your behalf. Then, the other person will be more moved and will want to act with your feelings in mind.
You can have a constructive discussion by expressing your feelings honestly.
Changing people’s behavior is no small feat. This is because the individual has the power to decide what to do. In order to get your needs met, it is important to respect the other person first. And it is important to devise ways to communicate.
The only time people act in an offensive way is when they are in a desperate situation and when the other person has a sense of danger. The most effective way to change someone’s behavior is to tell them how you feel. Please use “I message” to convey your honest feelings.